Important Rules of the Road

As time goes on, I have found many helpful suggestions for new drivers- here is a more or less comprehensive list- hope you find this illuminating-

THINGS TO KNOW WHEN DRIVING

1.No, you are not allowed to watch South Park while operating a motor vehicle.
2.My CB handle should not, under any circumstances, be Princess Anastasia.
3.Do not threaten your dispatch personnel with black magic.
4.Do not play “Pulp Fiction” with a water pistol at the truck stop or test course- it will lead to trouble.
5.Do not add “In accordance with the prophecy” to the end of all CB communications.
6.Do not send your boss’ picture to America’s Most Wanted.
7.You cannot purchase anyone’s soul on company time.
8.Do not recruit others for your cult on company time/over the company communications channel.
9.Do not join any militia on company time.
10.Do not form any militia on company time.
11.God cannot contradict a company order to pick up a load.
12.Do not perform your (now infamous) “Barbie Girl Dance” while operating a motor vehicle.
13.Do not call your company’s recruiting rep immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime even if it is true.
14.Do not tell any fellow driver you are smarter than they are, even if it is true.
15.No other driver is after “me frosted Lucky Charms”.
16.You are not allowed to have flashbacks to any war you were not involved in, especially while operating a motor vehicle.
17.Time off requests for religious reasons involving the imminent end of the world will only be honored once.
18.I am not authorized to fire drivers of companies I do not work for.
19.Dancing on the hood of a truck is not an acceptable way to complain about company policy, especially while said vehicle is in motion.
20.I cannot, under any circumstances, trade my cargo for magic beans.
21.“The Giant Space Ants” do not give me orders to drive to Mexico and sell my cargo for magic beans.
22.There are no evil clowns hiding in the sleeper bunk.
23.The evil clowns are not included in any chain of command, however firmly I may avow their existence.
24.I am not allowed to conduct psychological warfare on drivers for other companies using any of the above.
25.Sock puppets are not my representatives to management.
26. Sock puppets cannot be held responsible for any of my actions.
27.I am neither the king, nor queen, of cheese.
28.An evening dress is not appropriate attire for meeting with receiving personnell, even if it is a Dior.
29.Police officers and/or Federal DOT officers are not there to give new drivers candy, and it is not okay to tell new drivers and/or Federal DOT officers that they are.
30.I am not authorized to change traffic laws in any state. Ever.
31.I am not legally authorized to arrest anyone, even if I do have handcuffs.
32.I cannot sell stock in any company I do not work for, and cannot accept commissions from said sales.
33.No part of the truck is edible.
34.No driver “charges into battle naked, like the Celts”.
35.I am not the Emperor of anything.
36.Do not attempt anything you saw in the movies and/or a cartoon.
37.Do not make s’mores on the engine block. Especially while the truck is moving.
38.The “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Inspection” are not to be combined for any reason.
39.Do not make up humorous things to put on your inspection report- i.e. “flux capacitor grinds gears when engaged”, “soup dispersal unit appears to be off-line”, “gnome who lives in dashboard displays surly attitude”, “wish-granting switch causes unforeseen emergency stop”, etc.
40.The parking brake should never be confused with the “wish-granting switch”.
41.Explosions are not funny- real or imagined.

Hope this helps- stay well and sane, everyone!!